I thought we were well acquainted, but even after all these years it seems that you are still somewhat of a mystery to me. The things that worked before do not seem to be working to the same degree now. Sometimes it makes me think I’m crazy.
So the doctor has suggested I try a new medication. New medications seem simple on the surface, but if I’m honest, I always have some fear when I try a new one. They give you this pamphlet filled with information about what this medication could do to you. Yes, it’s supposed to help, but it can also do all of these things that are the opposite of what you want it to do. Potentially hurt or potentially harm. And even though they give you this big list and you should feel so well informed, at the same time you wonder – what is this medication going to do to me? They can put together this list of all the potential effects, but they don’t know exactly how my body, my mind is going to react. And if it reacts badly, is it worth the side effects just to be free of you?
I make my decision. The little white pill looks so small and unassuming, but there is so much more there. I slip it into my mouth, hoping, hoping that it’s going to do what the doctor wants it to do, what I want it to do, what the pharmacist says it could do. But not knowing at the same time. All I can do is wait and see.
I’m thrust into a new level of hyper-vigilance with the entirety of my body and mind. Is that pain new? Is that because of the medication? Am I feeling a new body ache or is that something that was always there? What’s happening in my mind? I try to pray and have peace, knowing that God is in control and that it’s going to be okay. Yet I’m here, with this little pill now inside of me, wondering what it’s going to do, and only time will tell.
This post is part of an ongoing series called ‘Dear D’. Click here to view all posts in the series.